We all have that relative or friend, that EVEN though we have laid down a good boundary and said ‘no’ to the ‘thing’ —is insisting you come.
The people pleaser in you is feeling guilty, but you also need this downtime.
Dr. Kathryn Soule is an anxiety specialist at Soule Therapy and suggests this framework:
1) Empathize with the other person
Script: “I know it's disappointing because you worked so hard and you were looking forward to having everyone together.”
Why this works: It makes it more likely they hear you rather than get defensive.
2) State your limit
Script: “but I've decided I won't be able to make it this time.
Why this works: You don't need to convince the other person that it's ok for you to say no. You only need to communicate your limit.
3) Offer an Alternative
Script: “I'd be happy to make a trip there next summer or get together next time you're in town."
Why this works: If you want to, you can share options that you are willing to do. This is optional. You don't have to solve the other person's problem, simply let them know what you are willing to do.
4) Repeat
If you get push back, rinse and repeat steps 1-3 as many times as necessary, over and over again. After all, you know what is best for you. Be consistent. You want others to know what the answer is moving forward when they test the limit.
TLDR and to recap
You don’t have to justify or apologize. You don’t have to convince the other person your reasons are "good enough."
Better to wait until you are grounded and calm vs angry. There is more power in stating a limit confidently and calmly.
You may be uncomfortable. You are trying something new. It takes a few tries to say these scripts and be comfortable with it. But know that you are worthy of protecting your boundaries—and the downtime if that is what you want.
The receiving party will also ‘feel a certain kind of way.’ It may take a few tries before they are able to predict your new response 100% of the time. Be consistent.
Boundaries aren't to control others, only yourself.
Respecting your own boundaries is a gift to yourself.
I’ve created a digital community where I have organized all of my scripts for different scenarios. You can find them here.
What are some ways you plan to protect your time and energy this holiday season? Share in the comments below!
Whenever you’re ready, there are 3 ways I can help you:
1.Join the Samita Lab Mastermind. Join 7 other women leaders in giving a TEDx style talk on a NYC stage in front of 200 people at the end.
I only enroll for this program once a year.
The waitlist is open for the Class of 2025.
or think outside the box and play this video game
2. The Anatomy of a 'No' If you’re struggling to say ‘no’ gracefully at work, I created a digital community where all my scripts are organized (15,000 downloaded)
I’ll add to it each week.
3. Enroll in my workshop: “3 tips to supercharge your TEDx Application”
1600 already took it.
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