The Anatomy of a Good ‘No’: When you said 'yes' but now it might be a 'no'

You said 'yes' to that thing.

But now, you're not so sure. It might be a 'no.'

But you don't want to burn the relationship.

Harvard Business Review did a fantastic interview with a professor who wrote a book about the power of no.

First Dr. Suh talked about "Why it's so hard to say 'no?'"

• We are trained from a young age, especially as little girls, how to be "good," which means “Toe the line. Do as your told.”

• Rarely does anyone role model, when we are young, how to stand up for our beliefs and say 'no' while still preserving the relationship.

• Once we decide to say 'no,' we don't have the scripts or tools to say it, so we just comply. Going against our own value system.

Work culture expert Gustavo Razzetti writes that there are three other reasons to consider

• We like to be liked.

• We don’t want to hurt others.

• Empathy is harder than we think. Research shows that empathy demands significant mental and emotional labor – it’s a heavy lift. Understanding others requires hard work that most aren’t willing to invest.
  

Dr. Suh challenges you to consider the 'tax' that comes with saying 'yes.'

↳Disregarding our values

↳Burnout

↳Regret

Razzetti argues that, just like financial debt, there is conversational debt: the cost of discussions we should have had but didn't.

“The irony of avoiding difficult conversations is that it rarely keeps us safe. In fact, the cost of avoidance is often worse than the discomfort we’re trying to escape.”

Dr. Suh offers a framework that you can practice when you want to say 'no' and are feeling the tension.

Razetti argues that frameworks are a ‘conversation design’ that helps reduce the tension.

↳Check your core values. (Who am I?)
↳Assess the situation. (Is it safe to say 'no?')

Photo by Fervent Jan on Unsplash

Now before you go to full blown Bruce Lee "I"M NOT GOING TO STAND FOR THIS"

There is a middle ground. Ask:

↳"What do you mean by that?"

↳"Can you clarify what does that entail?

↳"Have you considered another way?"

Then consider: What would a person like me do in this situation?

TLDR:

Revisit your values. Is this decision about to distance you from them?

Practice, practice, practice BEFORE you need to say 'no,' because:

“Under duress, we don’t rise to the level of our expectations, but we fall to the level of our training.”--Archilochus, a Greek poet