Wax, Wicks, and Women’s Agency: The Business Lessons from a Candle-Pouring Galentine’s Day

Over hot yoga one day, I said to Jill, “We should celebrate Galentine’s Day this year.” I’m 8 years into my relationship and Matt hates the Hallmark made up nature of Valentine’s Day. She is single and was game for it.

She found this fantastic candle-pouring class at Apotheke in Brooklyn and we all signed up.

I welcomed the idea of using my hands to create something, and doing it in community. And as the wax settled into its molds, we headed out into the Brooklyn sunset.

She said to dress “magnetic!” I put on my beret from Paris and red lipstick to do the job.

The surprising side benefit over margaritas, chips and salsa afterwards.

We talked about other things:

1. Agency Over the Ingredients of Your Career

In candle making, you choose your ‘smells.’ Woody. Floral. Citrus.

You decide the ratio of scents.

You control the wax pour.

In business, do women flex their agency?

Women often find themselves toeing society’s expectations or cultural norms—whether it's how we communicate, negotiate, or lead.

But true agency means setting our own terms, just as we did when crafting candles that reflected our own preferences, rather than defaulting to what was pre-selected for us.

2. The Balance Between Warmth and Competence

A candle that smells great but doesn’t burn properly? Useless.

A wick that’s too thin? It won’t hold up.

We talked about being taken seriously when you look young.

Tara Mohr famously wrote in her book “Playing Big” that women leaders are immediately judged on two metrics: Warmth and competence.

• Warmth can be determined immediately with human questions like, “How was your vacation?” or “How is your son? I heard he is sick.”

• Competence is only gleaned over time. Sending agendas before meetings. Showing up early. Doing as you said. Following through. Following up.
  

The best leaders, like the best candles, are thoughtfully designed: they invite people in, but they also get the job done.

3. The Power of Gathering & Collective Wisdom

A client of mine is excellent at working in a silo. In fact, she prefers it.

She doesn’t raise her hand and ask for help.

She doesn’t claim credit for her work, so others take it.

We worked last year on her having the self confidence to ask for help and point out her contributions, rather than be a martyr.

The process is always richer when we raise our hands to inquire and learn from each other’s choices.

One person mixed lavender and bergamot for calm; another blended sandalwood and amber for strength.

There’s no single formula for success, but there was power in hearing how others approach the process.

4. Negotiation is Like Pouring Wax

You can’t rush it. Pour too fast, and air pockets form.

Pour too slow, and the wax might not settle evenly.

Negotiation, too, requires timing and precision. I posted this on negotiating with a bully last week.

We discussed how women, especially those who look young, are often dismissed or undervalued in negotiations. The key?

Slow and steady wins the race (or the negotiation). Don’t be afraid to keep saying the same thing over and over until you are heard.

Read the room and don’t be afraid to call out emotions that are careening out of control. It creates distance between the emotion and oftentimes, de-escalates it.

Ensure your “pour” is steady and strategic. If a demand is outlandish, don’t be afraid to push the onus of the ‘how’ back on the other party, with the question, “How do you expect me to do that?”

Business Lessons in Unexpected Places

As our candles cool, I thought about how, we can bring warmth and illumination to the spaces we step into—without losing our strength in the process.

What’s one space, outside of work, where you’ve found unexpected business insights?

A photo essay of our evening below.

Being a TV anchor for 27 years, scripts were my lifeline. Today, I keep scripts tucked away in my back pocket to help me speak up in work situations. You might enjoy my this free cheatsheet I created on who to command a room.