Help! I'm negotiating with a bully
How to hold your ground
“This customer makes up 90% of my business and now he’s bullying me,”
That was my client, asking for tips on how to stand her ground and believe in her value in a recent heated negotiation.
Dr. Sunita Sah, A psychologist and professor wrote a great book on the power of saying ‘no’ in a world that demands a yes.
My client’s situation is further compounded by the fact that she’s a woman. Sah makes these observations in this Harvard Business Review interview.
As little girls, we were raised to “comply.” Comply meant ==good.
Nobody role-modeled how to defy —and still preserve the relationship
The more we comply, there is a ‘tax.’ We aren’t observing our core values, which leads to regret, burnout, and a whole host of other things.
A brutal truth I remind myself of everyday:
I grew up in an immigrant family and have created wealth today in a way I never imagined. But I did that because I spent copious amounts of time studying other smart people and mimicking their behaviors.
One of those smart people is Chris Voss.
Voss used to be an FBI negotiator. He’s the guy you send in for tense hostage negotiations when you’re a billionaire and your kid has been unceremoniously kidnapped for ransom.
Today, he shares his negotiation principles for business. Because, let’s face it. It’s all business. Hostage or no hostage.
If he was in my client’s shoes, he would do 4 things:
Call out the emotion.
Her customer was being quite volatile and emotional.
“Like a hormonal woman,” she observed.
Statements like “I see you are agitated” or “I see you are upset” calls out the emotion. But it also does something else. The very act of ‘calling out’ the emotion also puts some psychological distance between customer and his extreme feelings. It ‘de-escalates’ his emotions.
Always remember the person who is willing to walk away has all the power.
1️⃣ Leverage Comes from Having Options
When you’re willing to walk away, you’re signaling that you don’t need the deal—you have alternatives. This puts pressure on the other party, who may feel they have more to lose.
2️⃣ Emotional Detachment Leads to Better Decisions
Desperation weakens your position. If you’re too emotionally invested in a deal, you’ll make concessions just to “make it work.” But when you’re willing to walk, you stay logical, patient, and strategic.
3️⃣ Psychological Advantage
People can sense when you’re dependent on an outcome. When you show that you’re not afraid to leave, the other party often scrambles to keep you engaged—giving you the upper hand.
4️⃣ Creates a "Fear of Loss" in the Other Party
Humans are wired to fear loss more than they desire gain. If they think you’re leaving, they may offer better terms or make compromises they wouldn’t have otherwise.
The one who needs it less, wins more.
Ask questions that force critical thinking.
This Chris Voss’s favorite question. It works because it shifts the pressure back onto the other party, forcing them to solve the problem for you. Why it works:
1️⃣ Triggers Empathy
It subtly puts the other person in your shoes, making them consider your constraints instead of just pushing their demands.
2️⃣ Forces Them to Justify Their Position
Instead of outright rejecting their request (which can cause resistance), this question makes them explain why their demand is reasonable—and often, they realize it’s not.
3️⃣ Slows Down the Negotiation
It prevents you from making a rushed or emotional decision, giving you time to think while subtly nudging them toward a better offer.
4️⃣ Maintains a Collaborative Tone
Rather than saying "No" or "I can't do that," which can escalate tension, this phrase keeps the conversation open, making them work with you rather than against you.
5️⃣ Encourages Concessions
Since they now have to figure out how you’re supposed to do what they’re asking, they may start offering compromises or adjusting their expectations.
It’s a high-power, low-resistance way to negotiate—whether in a hostage situation, business deal, or even everyday conversations.
When in doubt, mirror
In tense negotiations—it helps to mirror your dueling partner. Mirror his/her body language. Mirror his/her speech. Why it works:
1️⃣ Triggers the "Like Me" Effect
People naturally trust and feel comfortable with those who seem similar to them. When you subtly mirror someone’s posture, gestures, or expressions, their brain registers you as “safe” and “on the same team.”
2️⃣ Reduces Tension and Resistance
Mirroring signals understanding and alignment, making the other person feel heard. This lowers their defenses and makes them more receptive to negotiation.
3️⃣ Builds Unconscious Connection
Neuroscience shows that mirroring activates mirror neurons, which help people subconsciously feel more connected and cooperative with you.
4️⃣ Encourages Them to Move Toward Your Position
When people feel a connection, they’re more likely to compromise or see your perspective. Mirroring creates that connection without saying a word.
5️⃣ Establishes Subtle Control
Over time, if done correctly, the mirrored becomes the mirror-er—meaning they start following your body language cues, giving you subtle control over the emotional tone of the negotiation.
Voss shares this one sheeter that allows you to put your thoughts on paper before you go into your next negotiation.
In tomorrow’s “Anatomy of a Good ‘No’” I’ll share his questioning technique.
All of them are designed to get a “NO” but are surprisingly effective in getting buy-in.
In the meantime:
One of the most powerful ways to establish your presence in a room is with your ability to negotiate. These are tips I needed on one cheatsheet for myself 13 years ago when I started my business.