The Script for Saying “No” Without Guilt

What Terri Cole Taught Me About Tough Conversations

I hear it from clients often:

“I said yes—but it was the people pleaser in me said it. I didn’t want to.”

Dr. Sunita Sah, author of Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes, says, as young girls, we didn’t have role models for defiance. As adults, we don’t have the language for it either.

So I brought in expert Terri Cole (audio above)—psychotherapist, author of Boundary Boss, and one of the clearest voices I know on the art of saying no.

Here are the 5 truth bombs she dropped in our interview together rewire how you think about boundaries and tough conversations:

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1. Boundaries Aren’t Mean. They’re Clarity.

“You’re not controlling other people. You’re controlling you.”
Boundaries are your personal rules of engagement. They signal your preferences, limits, and non-negotiables—and no one has to understand them to respect them.

2. Start With a Resentment Inventory.

“Your resentment is data.”
Terri suggests starting with the people you hold quiet grudges against. That’s often where you’ve abandoned yourself, said yes when you meant no, or let someone repeatedly violate a boundary you never clearly set.

3. Buy Time. Don’t Answer Right Away.

“Teach people that they are not entitled to your instant yes.”
Want a simple tool to stop the automatic people-pleasing? For 7 days, give no instant answers. Try:
👉 “Let me check my calendar and get back to you tomorrow.”
👉 “I have a 24-hour decision-making policy.”

4. “No” Doesn’t Require a Dissertation.

“Not wanting to is a good enough reason.”
So many women over-explain or justify their ‘no.’ Terri reminds us: you’re not rejecting the person, you’re honoring your own bandwidth.

5. Enforce the Boundary—With Consequences.

“No one changes when there’s no cost to overstepping.”
If someone keeps violating your limit, it’s time to follow up with a consequence. Not an ultimatum—a reality. Example:
“If you’re late again and don’t call, I’ll start dinner without you.”

Bonus Thought:

“When we say yes when we want to say no, we give people corrupted data about who we are.”
—Terri Cole

Boundaries are not about pushing people away. They’re about inviting the right people in—on terms that work for you.

To go deeper, I recommend Terri’s free quiz to find your “boundary archetype”: boundaryquiz.com

Warmly,
Joya