This week, I said ‘no.’
It was to something I had committed to a month ago.
Long ago, I resolved to always be someone who “did as I said and said as I did.”
Always.
….Until 38 days ago, when I couldn’t.
I’m managing a tough change of life affecting women in their 50s.
Last October, the 6 women in my Mastermind were two weeks out from taking the stage for their TED style talks. I was already in a bad state while in workshop.
I should have cancelled the event. Or postponed it.
Instead, I went through with the event. I emceed onstage for the next 2 hours.
The situation got worse in the subsequent months.
36 days ago, surgery was the only option left.
Fast forward, post recovery, my Wednesday had become quite packed.
A client video shoot at 9am.
Cohosting a networking walk in Central Park at 2pm.
An evening at Asia Society at 6pm.
I was in danger of returning to my pre-surgery self, whose unforgiving pace is probably what led to surgery in the first place.
Rather than pile drive through my day, I sent a flare for help.
My friend and colleague asked me an important question when she got on the Zoom with me: “Do you want me to listen or do you want me to offer advice?”
I elected for the latter.
We talked it through, and the logical choice was in favor of self-care.
I said ‘no’
I didn’t offer a ‘because I…..” explanation afterwards.
I just said, I wouldn’t be able to make it.
She graciously said, “No problem, Joya.”
It’s not just me.
The women in my leadership community struggle with this boundary every week. Regardless of industry or level of seniority. Questions come up:
What if they don’t like me?
What if I lose the deal?
What if I lose out on clients?
So I’m creating a series of scripts, just like I had in television, to help you (and me) say no and do it gracefully.
I will offer one “Because I….”
Because I feel more empowered when I have language tucked away in my back pocket to deploy in real time.
You can access the scripts in my paid Substack newsletter for $5.00 a month.
How to say “No” and do it nicely
(and the alternative language I will explore in my videos and Substack writing)
1. Instead of saying,"That's not my problem," say this
2. Instead of saying, "I have no idea,” say this
3. "That's impossible,” say this
4. "You're wrong," say this
5. "That doesn't make sense," say this
6. "I'm too busy," Say this
7. "Calm down." Say this
8. Stop before you overshare: Why “because I” doesn’t help you. Say this instead
Exiting a Boring Conversation at a Networking Event
Yes, exiting a boring conversation can be seen as saying "no". Its maintaining your sanity and protecting your time. This is a new series
Instead of suffering silently because you don’t like conflict, say this
How to shut down a complainer
We love them dearly, but its zapping our energy.
Instead of being drained, say this
Winding down a long-winded person
He/she is sucking all the oxygen in the room
Instead of just leaving, say this
How to encourage a revision without hurting a creative’s feelings
Instead of saying “I don’t like it,” say this
How to say ‘no’ to 1000 emails upon return from vacation
Instead of the usual OOO language, say this
How to disagree (nicely)
Instead of “I disagree,” say this
Managing Difficult Conversations
When sussin’ out a new hire
When you have changed your mind (and feel badly)
I’ll keep adding to the library.
My hope is that you will not only USE the scripts, but come back and report on the results. Chat with one another about leveraging them.
